I didn’t do anything exciting yesterday, in fact I missed something exciting, seeing Brandi Carlisle with my friends at Prospect Park. I’ve been tired and had to go shopping. I can’t be everywhere. I could write about politics but that’s depressing, and you get enough of that. Instead I’m going to recount my conversation with a cat and give my theory of human/cat interactions and social media. As you will discover I am very much not pandering to My Gentle Readers to increase their number, by writing about cats.
Lefty is deeply in love with me and demands affection. Before I went out shopping I gave him my undivided attention petting him with both hands while conversing. I came home with three bags of groceries some of which was frozen, and others required refrigeration. As soon as I came home and walked into the kitchen Lefty followed me. He set himself up on the table that holds the TV. He puts himself at a height where I can pet him without bending down when he wants the attention. Here is our conversation. I’m translating from Lefty to English. I was just reading that there is no Cat language, that it’s peculiar to each cat. I picked up Lefty quickly. Lefty is part of the meow family of languages.
Lefty: Give me scrootches
Me: I will, as soon as I put these groceries away.
Lefty: How about now? You’ve been home for hours. [actual elapsed time, 1 minute and 24 seconds]
Me: I don’t want the ice cream to melt
Lefty: You left me alone for days, I need loving. [actual elapsed time, 2 hours]
Me: As you can see I’m still putting food away. When I’m done I’ll pet you.
Lefty: See how good I am? I haven’t demanded attention for ages. I’ll just lie here looking languid. [actual elapsed time 26 seconds]
Me: Enough already, I’ll get to you when I’m done
Lefty: Interesting fact I read; Cats would eat humans if humans were small enough to kill.
Me: But I’m not and I’m still putting groceries away.
Lefty: So how about those scrootches?
Me: I’m almost done putting the food away.
Lefty: That’s human food, right? That’s of no importance.
Me: If I don’t eat my human food I won’t be able to give you your food or clean your litter box.
Lefty: Speaking of which, when you’re done with the scrootches …
Me: Everything is put away, now I’ll pet you
Lefty: It’s about time. Purrrrrrrrrrrr
Why am I writing this? I made an important scientific discovery. When a single person lives alone with a cat or cats he or she is compelled to talk to cats and post about it on social media. This is not a matter of choice it’s a reflex. The question is how did it evolve? I have a theory.
Talking about your cats is a trait strongly selected against. As is obvious to all, no one that posts about cats has ever had a lasting heterosexual relationship, and therefore have fewer children. Sure, they might have children before they became crazy cat ladies, some of whom are men, but not once the cat chronically began. It is more common among women because after menopause they can’t have children; men always have the potential, and it’s a fact that no man that posts about his cat has ever had a date, let alone had children. Two crazy cat lesbians do find each other but their genes are still not passed on.
With such strong selective pressure against posting about cats we must find another explanation. Here is where I had my revelation. I’ll use the Socratic method and lead you to the same conclusion. Other than people what species is most closely associated with cats. This is made clear in cartoons. Now you might think dogs, but cats and dogs do not have a close relationship. When you think dog, cat is not the first thing you think of. But who do cats obsessively chase. What species led cats to live in human granaries, what animal is Tom battling with? Yes mice. Is the answer dawning on you yet? No? Think white mice. Now remember who really runs the world. Now you’re getting it, it’s pan-dimensional beings that manifest themselves on earth as mice. Why? Because the earth is a giant computer to solve just one problem; To find the question whose answer is 42, the answer to life, the universe, and everything. The mice are the ones that put cats and humans together. These conversations with cats, like the one I posted above, are a key part of the algorithm to determine question. I’ sure that my dialogue with Lefty has led to great progress in the computer’s great work.
I am not pandering, I’m doing science, important science, the most important science. It would be very nice if I could do that and still have women interested in me. But it’s not about nice. The mice and the earth don’t care about my happiness, only solving the mystery.
Damn, I don’t have time to write more about this; I have to go to therapy and enlighten my psychologist. Maybe we can at least get a published paper out of this. Very interesting, Left asked for love when I went to the bathroom but not while I’m writing. If I’m watching TV he’ll climb up on my chair and sit right above my head where I use him as a pillow. That proves how important writing this is to the mice.
Wise Madness 