My brain, body, and computer are all in various states of disrepair. That means postponing the entry I was planning on and addressing the disrepairs. The body is the simplest and I’ve touched on it the problems before. I have multiple join pain; my left elbow, both shoulders, and the base of my spine. The last is specific, it’s the right side of the coccyx. I have my heating pad on it now. The elbow was where it started and is back to being the worst. When I was at therapy I couldn’t hand my therapist my phone without pain. I started to remember to use my right arm for everything. It even hurt when I tried to turn the door knob with my left hand. I have an appointment with an orthopedist; I am taking care of it. I suspect she’s going to recommend that I become a cyberman.
I have been editing my photos from Falcon Ridge; I had to put that on hold as my MS Photo program became corrupted. I blame Trump. It spontaneously closed less than a minute after opening. On the application manager I tried repairing it. That didn’t work. I had to resort to resetting it. That doesn’t touch the files but it erases all the settings. It is up and working now but it is slowly cataloguing all my photographs. I hope when it’s done it will have all the albums. It still has over 5000 files to go. This is going to take hours. My hope is that it’s looking at videos first and that’s why it takes about 7 seconds per file and that once it’s on photographs it will go faster. I can’t close the computer in the meantime as when I does it stops cataloguing.
My brain is the most complex, even though I often say that I don’t have a brain. I switched from Zoloft to Prozac starting Monday night. I felt the effect almost immediately; the depression is gone. The anxiety is still an issue. It’s always been more difficult to control. At least now I’m happy when I’m not fully functioning. Last night was bizarre. I finished watching Doctor Who Season 10 and went to sleep. It was not a restful night. I never went into a deep sleep, I went from uneasy dreams to being awake without a clear boundary between the two. I had general anxiety the whole night. That effected the dreams. It felt like one long dream with interruptions of being awake. I was at a concert with many artists run by Carter. I was helping out but once I went into the auditorium I became anxious. I had trouble finding a seat. I couldn’t remember who was performing. Everyone seemed sort of familiar but I didn’t know who they were. I knew there was one person I was there to see but couldn’t remember who. The auditorium kept changing. Sometimes there were plenty of empty seats. I saw seats by Carter but couldn’t reach them. I was always uncomfortable. When I was awake I tried meditating but couldn’t. I was always uncomfortably hot or cold.
I finally gave up trying to go back to sleep and headed to the recliner. When I got involved on the computer the general anxiety faded. It’s still there but at a very low level. Then I got productive. I was able to make progress on getting John Platt’s On Your Radar organized. In addition to my regular duties on social media Richard and I are doing John’s job running the show. I was able to call Richard and contact one of the artists that I didn’t know. I now have all the materials that I need. I only realized after I started writing this that I don’t use MS Photos when I create the Facebook event. I should be able to do it without it. I then took an even more anxiety risking step and contacted WFUV to see if there is any way we can get an interview with the artist on the air before the show. My therapist wants to make sure I own when I get something done. Talking about it here helps. I have so much more to do but every step counts.
I fell asleep after breakfast. I couldn’t sleep soundly all night but after two cups of coffee I could. My brain goes out of its way to be weird. I think it enjoys the attention. The sleep made a world of difference. When I’m finished with this I’ll make the On Your Radar event. There’s always anxiety involved with that as I worry if I have everything I need. When I don’t that can make the anxiety cascade. That happened with something else I need to do and perhaps the first thing I’ll do after writing this is write a friend about something that I totally fell down on as I was overwhelmed when I hit a roadblock. I hate being unreliable. That makes the anxiety worse which makes me more unreliable. There are a lot of feedback loops in this.
I fell asleep while watching The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy the great BBC TV show not the vastly inferior movie. My new thing is rewatching old favorites while I eat or do things online. I want something that doesn’t require my full attention. It’s OK if I sleep through parts of H2G2 as I’ve seen it multiple times. It’s comfort TV. It soothes the savage breast. I can’t blog to it, it’s too distracting for that. I’m listening to the Opera on WQXR as I write. I’m not familiar with it but it’s beautiful and soothes the savage breast in a different way. Damn! It’s Cosi Fan Tutte. I’ve seen that. No wonder it’s beautiful, it’s Mozart. Is there anything better for the psyche than a Mozart comic opera?
Anything left? Yes, a bit of selfcare. I made a real dinner last night, country style ribs and mashed potatoes. I’ll get three meals out of the faux ribs. Country style ribs are not ribs, I believe they are loin. They are boneless. They still taste great. I followed a recipe as per cooking times but not seasoning. I follow my own notions as to that. I made a rub, out of Cajun seasoning, garlic powder, MSG, ground pepper, and a butcher’s seasoning. Then I used barbecue sauce. It was quite tasty. Then I made a bacon omelet for breakfast. I see a theme here, comfort food, comfort TV, and comfort music. I’m not feeling any anxiety now. Just thinking about them was comforting.
Wise Madness 