I’m a great uncle! My nephew and his wife had a baby. Of course I’ve been great uncle to my nephew since he was born but that is not the same thing as being a great uncle to my great niece. As she lives on the opposite side of the country it is going to be difficult to be a great great-uncle.
Despite the good news I’m feeling down this morning. Everything I’m thinking of writing about is negative. I’m feeling isolated. Since taking meds this doesn’t happen as often but it never goes away because it’s true. I have many friends. My friends are great people that care about me. But I don’t have intimates. I’m not talking sex. I’m talking about feeling like I’m part of someone’s life.
Time for some cognitive therapy. If I write about this the feeling will just get worse. I have to change the subject in my head.
I’m involved in a project that I’m excited about but I am not at liberty to discuss it. That can help my mental state but not help me write.
When I write like this people think it’s worse than it is. I’m not in despair. I’ll have a good time tonight seeing Emily Mure and tomorrow seeing Jean Rohe, James Shipp, and Taylor Ashton. As I said at the start, I know people care about me. I think what I need to do is overcome my anxiety and take care of something of practical importance. I’m always more comfortable talking about my anxiety. I have to find something and I’m not sure where it is. That triggers a fear that I don’t have it at all and that that will lead to negative consequences. My natural instinct is to avoid it. If I don’t look then there’s the hope that I can find it if I did. I know that’s totally irrational. What I like to think is that I might be irrational but at least I recognize it. What drives me to distraction is when people either don’t recognize it or even worse, think that it’s somehow superior to “follow their gut” than to be rational. I’ve seen pictures of my gut, it’s not something I want to follow.
OK. That’s it. I’m going to post this short depressing entry then look for that important thing then take the needed action. If I hit a roadblock I’ll meditate. I’ll take care of what I have control over.
Wise Madness 