I was in way too good a mood during therapy yesterday. I know why but that’s not the most useful state to be in for the therapy to be effective. It’s not that I don’t want to be in a good mood, it’s that I want to time them for when I’m not working on my problems. It would have been a good time for blogging. I was clever.
My back is healing; there are four elements to that, applying heat, applying cold, learning how to be careful, rest, and time. I suspect that the last two are the most important and being careful the second most. People often give credit to phony cures when all that really happens is that the body healed itself. It’s built to do that. Being careful is interesting. Part of it is common sense, not lifting heavy objects or wearing my backpack. But part of it takes a conscious effort. I have to stop and think about how I’m going to move and pay close attention to how it feels. I had one bad moment yesterday. I was sitting at a table at Dunkin’ and realized it was time to leave to catch my train. I didn’t think about standing up, I just stood up as I normally do. That involved twisting my torso and that hurt like hell. I had to hold on to my table and the one next to mine to not collapse. If I stand up slowly I can change what I’m doing as soon as there is a twinge. It’s just like abdominal surgery when I have to plan out how to get out of bed. I bend my knees to pick something up off a table, let alone the floor.
I felt good enough to do some food shopping, nothing that heavy. I wonder if I annoyed people by sitting down and standing up slowly on the bus and subway. Then I came home, applied ice and heat and rested. I’m applying heat as I write this. The apartment is cold so there’s a secondary benefit to it.
Stupidity bothers me more than it should. I don’t mean all the times that I’m an idiot. They should bother me. I mean when people say things that show a lack of understanding; things that with a little thought they would know are wrong. I’m in a baseball trivia group and some people will make guesses that can’t be right. Someone asked what team has the most losses in major league history and someone else guessed the Mets. The Mets didn’t exist until 1962, The National League started in 1876. On the WFUV Question of the Day Group people will so often not understand the question and will then defend their nonsensical song suggestions. Why does it drive me to distraction? Why do I argue? Part of it is that I think that’s how we get people like Trump in office. People don’t want to think. It’s why so much goes wrong in the world. In my mind I’m fighting sloppy thinking, and sloppy thinking has real consequences. The problem with that line of thought is that I don’t have any evidence that harping on it helps. I’m doing sloppy thinking. I’m doing something not because it’s right but because it makes me feel good. Will I continue to do it? Yes, it makes me feel good and perhaps it helps. I just wish I wasn’t as annoyed by it.
On the other hand, getting back to therapy, I see how much better I now handle things that used to drive me into depression. Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. As has been true of every other Valentine’s Day of my life, I didn’t have a date. There were times that would put me in a deep funk. I was in a good mood yesterday even with a bad back. I think back to things that would drive me into terrible depressive episodes and can now think of them without pain. I can’t imagine myself doing some of the inappropriate behavior I exhibited because of the pain. Yesterday was treatment plan day. One thing to catalogue is my support system. My therapist read off the people I listed earlier, and I realized that she was no longer involved in my life. We didn’t have a falling out, but we never talk. She isn’t someone I’d feel comfortable to call and discuss my problems. That’s the kind of thing that would in the past have made me feel terrible. Now I accept it. I might work on re-establishing our connection. It’s part of the churn of life. I’ll focus on that now. Then I’ll make breakfast, watch some TV and then meditate. Part of my treatment plan is daily meditation. Right now, I do a lot of reactive meditation. I meditate when I feel anxious or depressed. If I meditate more regularly I can cut off the anxiety and depression at the pass. I want to be a good patient. Hell, maybe stupid people on the internet will bother me less too.
Wise Madness 