I’m listening to We’re About 9 now so I should say, I’m “Writing Again.” I wonder what fraction of My Gentle Readers get that? There was a time it would have been most of them. I’ll explain it before finish. What’s the excitement since I last wrote? My therapy was canceled today, and I couldn’t get an appointment next weeks. That means three weeks between sessions. As I’ve pointed out in similar circumstances that means that I commit any crimes until then I have a valid insanity defense. That’s right, you better be very nice to me until my next session.
As I didn’t talk to my therapist you get to hear what I was going to tell her. As procrastination is a central problem of mine I always discuss what I did and did not put off. The big accomplishment for the week was starting to book the virtual Budgiedome. The procrastination paid off in a sense. If I had done this back in June like I wanted to I’d have planned it for next weekend, when Falcon Ridge was scheduled. The problem with that is there will be a virtual FRFF that weekend, and other camps are having virtual showcases. Even worse it’s when Newport is having their virtual festival. So, I moved it to the next weekend, August 8. Just one day planned now. I did a mass email inviting people to play. I wouldn’t be me if I weren’t afraid that nobody would say yes. I did. Now the worry is that too many will say yes. I have an anxiety disorder; worry is my life. Now I’m caught in the anxiety/excitement zone. I forced myself to read the initial responses, now I have to read the ones that came in later. I’ll do that when I finished with this. I need to think of a reward to give myself. I already had today’s big reward, chocolate/maple/bacon fudge. It was a birthday present from my roommate. My rewards usually involve food. I invited a good mix of people that have never played, those that played a few times, and old timers. That’s where the excitement comes in. It’s like riding a roller coaster. Right now, I’m going up the hill. When I open the emails it’s the drop.
I went to Aldi the other day and it proved productive psychologically. I’ve been working on a cognitive therapy project, not getting angry. One of the things that drives me crazy on Facebook is all righteous indignation. My problem is that I want to respond with righteous indignation. Righteous indignation feels good in the moment but makes me unhappy in the long term. I don’t want the anger in me. I can usually control it and not lash out, but it still eats me from the inside. I know how to use Cognitive and Dialectical Behavior Therapy to deal with anxiety, and they should work with anger, or just annoyance too. There’s no reason I should sit there stewing in my juices. The trick to consciously avoid falling down the rabbit hole, or as I put it to a mathematical physicist friend, spiraling into the black hole. On ride home my bus was crowded, and I had to stand. This was a situation where I would be getting angry at the people not distancing or making room for others. Everyone had a mask on so one thing I did was be grateful for that. I stood at the front of the passenger area right by the plastic sheet separating us from the driver and handicapped riders. Instead of thinking about how selfish this one guys was or that everyone was crammed by the door instead of spacing out, I faced the plastic so I wouldn’t be breathing on anyone. Then I thought about breathing. I learned a trick when wearing a mask to make it more comfortable and help prevent my glasses from fogging up, Sunglasses outside, reading glasses on the bus. I wasn’t wearing my glasses, but I’ve gotten into the habit of breathing that way. The trick is to exhale through pursed lips as if you were kissing the mask. Then the hot air leaves the area by your face. If you put your hand in front of your mouth and don’t feel the breeze then your mask is doing its job. If you can’t exhale like that then your mask is not breathable enough. If the air can’t get out through your mask it gets out around the mask and risks infecting people if you have the virus. Now here’s the thing, when you breath for therapeutic purposes, you exhale through pursed lips; it’s part of diaphragm AKA Buddha breathing. It naturally lowers your blood pressure and slows your heart. The production of fight or flight hormones slows too. I couldn’t quite mediated, the bus through me around too much, but I came as close as I could. I focused on something at the front of the bus, and breathed in through my nose, from my diaphragm, and out through my pursed lips. Soon I wasn’t thinking about any of the things that angered me. When I got home and got freshly annoyed on Facebook instead of making an acid response, I breathed. They would be happier if they didn’t but saying that won’t help. I find that I’m forgetting what got me so upset. I will not feed the black hole and increase its pull.
I know that I will fail at times. I accept that too. But if I can spend less time being upset I’ll be happier. My timing is perfect. I’m still listening to We’re About 9, and the live version of Writing Again just came on. Give it a listen; it’s a great song.
Wise Madness 