I suspect I’m coming out of my procrastination/anxiety episode. They never go away but that not always as bad as they’ve been the last few weeks. I was not able to do my usual promotional duties for John Platt’s On Your Radar. Yesterday was the day of the event and in the afternoon I managed to get some promotional material out there and start reading my emails. My brain works in mysterious ways. As my paralysis peaked my social anxiety/depression faded. I’m feeling better about my relationship with people. I had trouble sleeping the night before last for physical not emotional reasons. As I lay in bed with an unhappy tummy I found I had come to a place of emotional peace. I could think of strained relations without the usual pain. I followed through and snoozed a friend on FB. I accepted that at least for now things aren’t going to change. It’s difficult to talk about these things without slipping into cliches. I was going to say psychobabble, but that’s unfair. It’s not that radical acceptance is nonsense, it’s that it’s overused. Words and phrases lose their power with repetition. They also lose their meaning as people start to use them because they are current, not because they are the are the accurate terms to use.
Last night I was “backstage” for On Your Radar even though I had fallen down on the job. Good thing we worked on not feeling guilty about these things in therapy last week. My therapist saw that I was going there. I found out by talking to Fred that I had seen one of the artists, Raye Zaragoza before. Fred remembered she opened for Dar. I did some research and saw it was at Dar’s Xmas show from 2018. As a bit of foreshadowing I titled my blog about it, On Your Raye Dar. Sometimes I like myself. It’s a silly pun but I would like someone who made it.
As part of snapping out of my funk I made dinner last night even though I was tempted not to. It wasn’t anything fancy, just a ham steak and fries. Did I tell you my ham steak tip? Top it with cheese before you put it in the oven. I used shredded Monterey Jack last night. Ham and cheese is a standard sandwich but it’s not how people prepare ham steaks? Some people see this and ask why; I see lonely ham and ask why not. Now I have to be good and remember to take something out of the freezer for dinner tonight. I could use the first piece of chicken I find, or I could do a deep dive and search for hidden treasure in the back. I would love to find some shaved beef, I have not seen that in the store for ages, but I’m afraid that’s all gone. I might find boneless ribs.
The best sign that I’m out of the procrastination pit is that I’m writing this at 9:11 in the morning. I haven’t blogged early in weeks. This is when I’m supposed to be writing. I’m not letting the fact that I don’t have that much to say from stopping me from starting. My internal struggles are just as much worthy of blogging as the great affairs of the world. What they lack in importance they gain in my personal knowledge. I’ll give myself some validation. It does some good for others to read about my travails in my matter-of-fact style. I know I’m not the only one that goes through these things, but I also know that there are times that I feel that I am the only one. It helps to be reminded that’s not true.
Now to make myself some sort of delicious breakfast. I think I’ll self-medicate and eat chocolate chip brioche French toast.
Wise Madness 