I awoke at a reasonable hour this morning, 9 AM despite staying up way too late. The reason I woke up was bad, a loud argument on the street between a man and a woman. I heard things escalate then heard a slap, the man hit the woman. That got me out of bed to see what was happening. I only saw the woman. She was asking someone by name to call 911 so I didn’t. A few seconds later she had walked out of my sight so my calling the cops wouldn’t have helped. Now I’m thinking about domestic violence and how to combat it. Is domestic violence normalized? It makes me sick to my stomach, but it is so common and accepted by some. Years ago, I was talking about this with a friend, I said, “There’s no excuse for hitting a woman;” and was shocked to hear him disagree with me and say that sometimes the woman deserves it. Forget the genders, there’s no excuse for one person to strike another. How can this be considered OK?
While I would, and have, called the cops while the assault was happening, that’s putting out the fire, not preventing it. Is the criminal justice system the best way to deal with it? I don’t think so. It just creates more anger, and it is probably not what most victims want. I was on the receiving end, I had an “it’s complicated” relationship with a woman that assaulted me more than once. One time she drew blood with her fingernails. Some people that study abuse think women assault men as often as men assault women. The difference is that men are less likely to report it and more importantly men are less likely to get hurt. While she drew blood I was never in danger as I could overpower her without hurting her. Men are on average bigger and stronger and that means the problem isn’t symmetric. But it does give me some perspective. It never crossed my mind to press charges against her. I didn’t want her to go to prison or even see the inside of a police precinct.
What I want for society is for violence to not be accepted as part of life by as many people as it is now. I don’t want to find that I have friends that think it’s OK to him someone in anything other than self defense or the defense of others. Violence is not acceptable, and courts should not treat familial violence as a private affair and none in its purview. That happens too often. That doesn’t mean that the courts are the best way to deal with the problem. It’s complex which is why it can feel intractable. I helped prevent child abuse when I called children services on my neighbors. They sent over a social worker and since then things have improved. Is that the way to go with domestic abuse? I don’t know, would a man who does not want to be helped, who doesn’t think he’s the problem, be helped by a social worker or therapist? I don’t know. Does anyone know? Do you know?
The incident outside my window was my second encounter with domestic violence in the last 24 hours. A friend told me that her boyfriend hit her. She’s left him, which is great but difficult, they lived together. This is what makes many women feel trapped, the alternative is hard to face. I gave what I know I can give, emotional support and some practical advice, but that feels inadequate.
I’m far from an expert and I am not going to come up with a solution that eluded society since before there was society. There is no simple solution; if there were, it would have been found. The one small thing we can do is make it socially unacceptable. I let my friend who said it was OK for a man to hit a woman if she deserves it know that disgusted me. The problem is that I’m preaching to the choir. I’m sure My Gentle Readers already feel that way. But I’m also sure that I’m wrong about some of you. I’m sure that some of you are wrong about yourselves. People fool themselves. They think that their case is so extreme that they are the exception to the rule. It’s easy to rationalize. We all do it. We should all be aware that we do it.
Sorry to drop such a heavy topic first thing in the morning but it’s where my mind is. Tomorrow I’ll be writing about Klezmer music and perhaps babka. Wendy a gentile friend, not from NYC, was asking me about it and now I’m craving it. I’ll be on the Upper West Side tonight; I should be able to get some. I should tell you what I’m doing. The Klezmatics are doing a Chanukah show at Symphony Space. Come join me. Just thinking about that has me feeling better. There’s plenty wrong with the world but there is also the Klezmatics and babka. The theme of most Jewish holidays is “They tried to kill us! We survived! Let’s eat!” Never underestimate the power of music or chocolate to heal.
Wise Madness 