I just experienced the perfect example of functional depression. I found myself online looking for things to do instead of blogging and preparing Gord’s Gold two things that I love to do. I’m functionally depressed but I’m not feeling depressed which makes it a good time for me to write about a manifestation of my depression. I can’t write about it when I’m down the rabbit hole as thinking about it sucks me even deeper into the vortex. Now I can look at it from the outside while still having insight to the subjective experience.
My therapist, and every therapist I have has commented on how large my social network is. You can’t tell the players without a scorecard. I don’t just know many people but so many people are willing to help me when I’m in need. I never forget that but when I’m depressed, I get an overwhelming feeling of isolation. It’s so much that being isolated makes me feel depressed as being depressed makes me feel isolated. I can intellectually distinguish between them but depression overrides reason. It’s not all subjective, there are some ways I am isolated, and I can tick them off, but then it takes an effort to keep out of the vortex. What depression does is not allow me to put things into context, I only feel the bad and not the good. I have an entire framework in my head to explain why I should feel depressed. I know that’s an after the fact rationalization as when I’m not depressed, I can think about all those things and weigh them against the positive and feel fine. If I weren’t close to the vortex, I could mention those thoughts. I considered not writing this today and putting it off until I’m feeling better, but I know I’ll forget it if I do just like I do most of my ideas for blogs. I perhaps will only write about this when I’m circling vortex so can feel its presence but I’m not being sucked into it.
It’s important to write about this as I know that other people go through the same thing and it’s helpful to know you aren’t alone and it’s important to know how other people deal with it. One thing that I’ve learned to not do is voice feeling isolated while it’s happening. It makes everyone feel awkward and that can lead to not just feeling isolated but being isolated. I’m not saying don’t express your feelings. It’s choosing your time and who you are talking to. I see people make Facebook posts that make me cringe as they remind me that I often made similar posts. I would feel fine if some of these people voiced those feelings to me. One of my favorite benefits of friendship is having someone to voice the feelings I can’t tell the world. Therapy helps with that but it’s not the same. A therapist is paid to listen to you.
OK enough of that. Now some bits and pieces. When I wrote about loving my new phone, I forgot the best part. I no longer need to carry a portable charger with me at all times. There have been major improvements in battery life from Galaxy S7 to S10. I wonder if there is an analogue to Moore’s Law for battery life. This is the progress that is making electric vehicles practical.
There are only two more Thursday left in March so only two more Women’s History Month sets on Gord’s Gold. Many of the songs are long so the remaining sets might have only three songs. I have more songs than I need so the final shows set is not set in stone. I made a strategic change in my search. Instead of asking people for suggestions or Googling “songs about women’s history” I did keyword searches in Amazon Music. I’m taking the history part of Women’ History Month seriously. I want songs about historical women or historical events. These are the subjects you can look forward to:
- Anne Boleyn
- The women that got radiation poisoning from painting radium dial watches
- The Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire
- Mother Jones
- Sojourner Truth
- The Women’s Suffrage moment
- Joan of Arc
- Harriet Tubman
I have known and loved the Women’s Suffrage song since I was 7-years-old. It’s where I learned the word suffragette from which I learned suffrage. I know many of you know exactly the song I mean and had a similar experience with it.
Now it’s time to work on this week’s show and to call a friend, I haven’t decided which one yet. One of the worst things I do when I’m depressed and feeling isolated is waiting around for friends to call me. My therapist says that I’m right to be proactive. Part of me is resisting, making the call will require effort but I’ll do it.
Wise Madness 